Committed

COMMITTED by A.R. Kirby Episode 6 In which Tal and Liv go to a party. Tal smiled at his wife, and he drove on to the Tutwiler, a grand hotel in the old tradition and a centerpiece of downtown Birmingham. It was the perfect venue for Old Laz’s retirement party; like Lazenby, the Tutwiler was stately, grand, and quite, quite old. They pulled into the drive in front of the hotel, and Tal handed the keys to the Volvo station wagon to a valet. The couple headed up the steps to the hotel lobby, and Tal tugged at his his tie. “This collar is scratching the hell out of my neck,” he said. “Did I order sandpaper starch at the cleaners?” He caught his reflection in one of the lobby doors as they stood on the portico. okay?” “Man,” he said, “I never wear a suit any more. Do I look Liv stepped back, crossed her arms, and looked at Tal much like a curator appraising a painting on a gallery wall. He’s a good looking man, that’s for sure, she thought. At just under six feet, Tal stood half a foot taller than Liv, and his slim physique made him seem taller. The last few rays of afternoon sun highlighted the small flecks of gray scattered about his sandy brown hair. He wore an olive suit they bought from Banana Republic two years ago for his sister’s wedding. It was one of the very few concessions Committed by A.R. Kirby he made in Liv’s apparently unceasing effort to update his wardrobe, mainly because of her proclamation that she loved the way it brought out the green in his eyes. His shirt and tie were also from the same wedding and complimented the suit nicely. The flecks of gray in Tal’s full beard mirrored those in his hair, and Liv reached over to brush a small piece of fuzz from his chin. About five years ago, Liv recalled, he let his whiskers run riot into a Grizzly Adams-like shrub that covered the bottom half of his face. One evening, Monica told him he looked like a crazed Amish farmer. He kept it short and neatly trimmed after that. “You are quite the handsome man tonight, Talmadge Hooper,” Liv replied after a few seconds thought. “I like you in a suit -- maybe you should wear one more often. In fact,” she said as she playfully grabbed his tie and pulled his face close to hers, “you might just get lucky tonight, mister.” She loosened her grip and straightened his tie. “Now let’s get this party started.” With that, Liv took Tal’s proffered arm and they walked through the main lobby into the courtyard. “Packed” is too ambitious a word for the situation, though the 200 or so faculty, staff and assorted well-wishers who gathered to fete Lester Lazenby certainly took up a fair share of the courtyard. It was a busy, happy scene; partygoers milled about in small groups, sipping cocktails and white wine while feigning attention to lighthearted conversation; white-jacketed servers with trays of appetizers bustled unobtrusively around the large tables draped with white cloths; a couple of technicians ironed out a problem with the microphone at the dais. A large banner saying “Best Wishes Lester” hung above the head table at one end of the courtyard, while an open bar bracketed the other end. Tea lights flickered on almost every imaginable surface, silver and china gleamed from the tables, ice clinked, glasses sparkled, and the early summer aroma of honeysuckle and azaleas filled the courtyard. Looking out at the scene from the lobby doorway, Tal let 2 Episode 6 out a heavy sigh. Liv, still on his arm, shot him a glance of come on – this will be fun and pulled him into the crowd. The couple wound their way through the clumps of people spread throughout the courtyard, heading for the bar in as direct a fashion as possible given the circumstances. Tal and Liv nodded hellos to various acquaintances; most of the faces in the crowd were familiar, having been seen at various university functions during the years Tal had taught at the university. Suddenly, a shout came from somewhere behind them. “Liv! Liv Hooper!” Liv and Tal both snapped their heads around to see a short, pudgy woman with frizzy blond hair waving frenetically through the crowd at the two of them. They smiled at each other as the woman – who could best be described as a Technicolor nightmare in a shocking pink sundress shot through with baby blue polka dots – made her way to them. The woman grabbed Liv in a bear hug that Liv imagined cracked two ribs. Gasping as the woman let go of the embrace, Liv spoke. “Deidre Burnham!” Liv squealed. “What on earth are you doing here?” “Oh, Old Laz is my great uncle, and you know how I am about family,” Deidre replied, her eyes twinkling with mischief and a couple of glasses of pinot grigio. “The Lazenbys never miss an opportunity for free food – or free drinks.” Liv grinned again. She’d known Deidre ever since the two of them waited tables together during their college days, and the friendship between the two women deepened during the intervening two decades. Liv knew all of Deidre’s secrets and vice-versa. “Hi Deidre,” Tal began, only to be interrupted with a second bear hug from Deidre. When she released, he caught his breath 3 Committed by A.R. Kirby and continued. “It’s really good to see you. You’re one bright spot in an otherwise dreary evening.” “Well, of course I am,” Deidre said, slipping an arm around each of the couple and steering then toward the bar. “That’s my job, you know. And speaking of jobs...” “Oh, that’s right,” Liv said quietly. “‘Green the Ham’ will be coming up soon, won’t it?” “You know it,” Deidre said. “We’re putting things in motion for the big fundraiser in the fall, and I can count on you to help promote it again, right?” “Green the Ham” was a grassroots environmental/energy initiative that encouraged (Tal often thought badgered was a better word) local governments and industries in the Birmingham area to use green energy and technology. Deidre had worked with the program since it began almost five years before, and had enlisted the help of Tal and Liv for the past two years. “Oh, I don’t know,” Liv said sheepishly. “We’ve got so much going on this summer, and I wasn’t real happy with the way things turned out last year. It just seems like it doesn’t make any difference...” “Stop it right now,” Deidre interrupted. “It is making a difference, and you know that. Three of the local school systems put in solar systems last year, and...” Deidre suddenly stopped, then changed gears. “Look, Liv, I know I don’t need to spout off statistics to you. It’s a slow change, but we are making a difference. And we need you, Liv. Nobody can promote ‘Green the Ham’ like you can, and nobody else has been able to get a point across to these idiot mayors and councilmen like you’ve done. You’re a great PR woman, and we really need your help.” Liv sighed. “Well, I guess I could probably...” “Great!” Deidre exclaimed, beaming as she squeezed Liv 4 Episode 6 again. “I knew I could count on you!” She turned her head and looked at Tal. “And how can I count on your assistance, Mr. Handsome Professor?” Tal stammered, and Deidre interrupted him before he could spit out an answer. “I’m kidding, you big goof,” she said, smiling. “The only help I need from you is getting us all a drink while I whisk your wife away to the bathroom for a few minutes.” “That I can definitely do,” Tal said as he removed himself from Deidre’s arm. “I’ll be over at the bar, eagerly awaiting your return.” The two women turned and resumed chatting while Tal moved toward the bar. He was tantalizingly close to giving the bartender his order when a hand grabbed his forearm. “Tal Hooper, you old son-of-a-gun, howareya?” Paul Griffin, dean of the college of liberal arts at the university, spun Tal around so he was facing him, and the two men shook hands. “Some kind of sendoff for the old fella, huh?” “Yes, Paul, it is. Some kind of sendoff indeed,” Tal stated matter-of-factly. “The university certainly knows how to show its gratitude. Now if you will excuse me, I was just about to share in some of that gratitude.” He turned towards the bar, but the dean interrupted him. “Tal, listen for a minute,” Paul said. “Now that Lazenby is leaving,” (the dean had a habit of calling everyone by their last names when he wasn’t speaking to them directly), “I think it’s time to take a good, long look at the history department.” “What do you mean,” Tal asked, gazing longingly at a rum and coke carried past by one of the professors from the language department. “I mean that the department is in a rut,” Paul said, sneer5 Committed by A.R. Kirby ing a bit. “Lazenby ran the department by his own rules for years. That, my friend, is about to change. I’m expecting the staff to see this as an opportunity to step up. And I’m expecting some leadership out of you on this, Tal. I want to see you published more often, I want to see more research grants coming into the department, and I want you teaching more often. “This is serious, Tal,” the dean continued. “I want a meeting with you this week. Make it Monday, 9 a.m., in my office. Bring me the last three articles you published, any grants you’re working on, and in the meantime I’ll review your teaching caseload.” “I’ll be there,” Tal said curtly. “Don’t think I’m being difficult,” Paul said. “Everyone in the department will be having the same type of meeting with me. We’ll need a new chairman of the department, and this is one way I’ll be evaluating candidates. It’s also a way for me to see what kind of dead wood needs to be cut away.” The dean straightened, and shook Tal’s hand again. “Have a good evening, Tal. I’ll see you in my office on Monday,” he said, and made his way back into the crowd. His mind whirling, Tal finally reached the bar. “Is it improper for a professor to do a shot?” he asked the bartender, more rhetorically than anything else. Proper or not, straight liquor was exactly what Tal wanted at the moment. The bartender, a Mexican man in his mid-twenties, smiled at Tal. “Not at all,” he said in slightly accented English. “There have been several shots poured this evening, and from the looks of things, I’ll be pouring several more before the night is out. What can I get for you?” Tal thought for a minute, and finally decided on Jose Cuervo chased with a Heineken. He downed the shot with a shudder, and quickly determined a second was in order before the first had 6 Episode 6 stopped burning his throat. He was about to send a third down his gullet when Liv and Deidre returned. “All right! Now we’ve got a party,” Liv said as the two women flanked Tal at the bar. Her grin disappeared as soon as she got a look at Tal’s face. “What happened?” “Paul Griffin happened,” Tal replied sourly as he downed the third shot. “Oh, no,” Liv said. “What did he do?” Tal quickly recounted the conversation to Liv and Deidre. “I can’t believe that man sometimes,” he said. “His timing is for shit. This is supposed to be a party, for God’s sake.” “No reason it can’t be,” Deidre interjected. “Bartender, three more please, and two glasses of chardonnay.” Three more small glasses of tequila and two glasses of wine appeared quickly on the bar, and Deidre stuffed a ten-dollar bill into the tip jar. “Thanks, hon,” she said as she winked at the bartender, then turned her attention to Tal and Liv. “Here’s to Old Laz,” she said raising her glass. “May we all be so fortunate to live as long.” She downed the shot in a gulp, and Liv and Tal quickly followed. “Wow,” Liv said, gasping and reaching for Tal’s beer. “I haven’t had tequila in years. That’s crazy.” “No, crazy is what’s in the bathroom,” Deidre giggled. “Tal, have you been to the bathroom yet?” “You’ve got to go,” Liv added. “You won’t believe it!” “Believe what?” Tal asked, his face downcast. “The twenty-first century version of a bathroom attendant 7 Committed by A.R. Kirby they’ve got in there,” Deidre said. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen.” Tal looked puzzled. “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked. “They’ve got a freakin’ robot in the bathroom!” Liv exclaimed. “A bathroom robot!” Deidre giggled again. “It’s just the cutest thing!” “It really is,” Liv went on. “We walked into the bathroom, and this friendly voice asked us if we needed anything. We looked around and didn’t see anybody, and then this metal – thing – came up to us and asked again if we needed anything!” “It was so nice,” Deidre interjected. “And it had everything! Toilet paper, paper towels, mints, perfume, you name it. I bet it even had safety pins and an emergency sewing kit!” “That is so – just weird,” Tal said. “Yeah, it kind of was,” Liv said, sipping her wine. “I’ve never seen anything like it. And everybody who came into the bathroom was talking to it, asking it questions, and getting Altoids from it.” “Well, everybody except great aunt Laura,” Deidre snickered. “The thing scared her half to death. She went running out of the bathroom as soon as it asked her if she needed some extra toilet paper.” Tal smiled. “Well, there’s irony for you,” he said. “We’re here to celebrate the career of a man who has seen more history in this state than pretty much anybody, and now here’s another bit of history happening right before our eyes – or our butts, as the case may be.” Both women laughed at the remark. “I bet Old Laz never thought he’d see such a thing, and he’s seen so much. In his life 8 Episode 6 he’s seen the Depression, he’s seen a World War, he’s seen men go to the moon, he’s seen the advent of computers, the fall of Communism – and now he’s seeing robots help us go to the bathroom.” “And he’s going to be pissed if he doesn’t see us paying attention to his speech,” Deidre said. “Let’s grab a seat.” down. With that, the three headed toward an empty table and sat 9