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Customers: A scientific breakdown

Originally published 5/17/07 on Cadet Spiff's Deep Space Log

You hear a lot about customer service these days. How every business attempts to provide superior customer service; unfortunately, it's only catchphrases and buzzwords for the most part. But one of the major impediments to providing superior customer service is the customer himself.

I cannot begin to tell you how many just plain rude people I run into on a daily basis. It doesn't surprise me that many people who work in customer service become jaded about their fellow human beings. As it turns out, a great many of their fellow human beings are just plain assholes. Unfortunately, "just plain assholes" is far too wide a brush with which to paint the throngs of bad customers. So I did some research, and I was able to classify a number of the customers in a scientific manner. What follows is a list of people with whom no one wants to deal, at least not on a regular basis, in order of annoyance.

Gratis entitlius

Characteristics: This customer is wired to believe that because they went to the trouble of walking into or calling a business, they are entitled to something for free -- or, if they can't get something for free, at least get a discount. Gratis entitlius is a growing species of customer, and individuals are often recognized by their complete lack of shame.

Care and handling: Make them pay. For everything. Charge them for every packet of ketchup more than the two provided. Otherwise, Gratis entitlius will return on an almost daily basis.

I recently served one of these customers who, after placing his order and being told that it would take a few minutes to prepare his food, asked for a "complimentary" beverage because a) he was a senior citizen, and b) because he would have to wait. This customer, after being told -- quite politely and professionally -- that the company isn't in business to give away items for free, got visibly irritated and asked to speak to a manager.

Things got worse when the manager wouldn't give him a free drink, either. The customer groused the entire time the food was being prepared, told not only me, but my bar back and my manager as well, how one of our competitors gave him free drinks all the time, and then proceeded to badmouth our store as he pulled his entire order out of the bag to check it while still at the counter. He continued to grumble under his breath as he finally walked out the door. Good riddance.

Cellphonius ignoramus

Characteristics: Visually, Cellphonius ignoramus is often easily recognized because of the distinguishing cell phone molded into the side of his or her head. A mutated strain of this customer, Cellphonius ignoramus bluetooth, is slightly harder to distinguish, but the ever-present headset gives them away. More telling than the visual cues are this customer's inability to end her cell phone conversation for anything -- not to place an order, not to pay her check, nothing.

Care and handling: Make initial eye contact with the customer. If Cellphonius does not end the call to begin the order process, ignore the customer until they do. Even better, help other customers. At that point, if the customer is irate because of your supposed lack of attention, politely explain that you did not want to interrupt his important call.

Desirus indecidus

Characteristics: Despite having spent 10 minutes looking over the menu, Desirus indecidus still doesn't know what to order when they make it to the counter. You can often recognize this customer through sound; her order is often punctated with long pauses and the phrase "uh", as in, "I'll have... uh... uh..." Of course, indecidus has an innate ability to appear when eighteen people are in line at the register. Related to illiterus menuam, the customer who can't read a menu and needs you to repeat each and every item available. At least twice.

Care and handling: Politely inform Desirus indecidus that the restaurant is out of "uh" for the day.

Hardheadius directionus

Characteristics: Headstrong and determined, Hardheadius directionus refuses to comply with instructions when dealing with the service sector. Many believe this is caused by previous wrongs committed upon the customer; as it turns out, Hardheadius is just bitchy and, as the name implies, hard-headed. You can distinguish this customer by her refusal to wait in the carry-out area, preferring to perch directly in front of the cash register while the food is being prepared, hindering other customers from being served.

Care and handling: The 1000-yard stare works fairly well, as does ignoring the customer. However, the best care is to simply get Hardheadius her food as quickly as possible so she will leave.

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